“He said you’re a prostitute,” my mom complained irritably. — “He said you’re a prostitute,” my mom complained irritably. “He’s up to this again? Why?” “Because he doesn’t think you could possibly earn a living as a business owner.” “But he said that when I had a 9–5 job too,” I reminded. My brother-in-law, or as I affectionately called him…

What if you could speed past the endless “How r u”s, bathroom mirror selfies, and interminable texting to get right to the good stuff: A… — What if you could speed past the endless “How r u”s, bathroom mirror selfies, and interminable texting to get right to the good stuff: A relationship with a decent person who can form complete sentences and seems genuinely interested in more than your tatas. I know what you’re thinking, Is…

When you told me on our first date that you used to be  homeless, I was surprised. — When you told me on our first date that you used to be homeless, I was surprised. My first question was, “where did you masturbate?” You told me you couldn’t remember because you were high on meth most of the time. …

There I was minding my business sipping on a virgin piña colada, when suddenly the ship tipped to the left. — There I was minding my business sipping on a virgin piña colada, when suddenly the ship tipped to the left. The tip was so sharp and sudden, almost everyone around me had fallen down. Drinks were spilled, people had stubbed their toes, I think some pool water even splashed out…

“Are you a big Boo Boo fan?” — “Are you a big Boo Boo fan?” I had rented my apartment on Airbnb a bazillion times, but this was the first time I had received an email after the fact. “Yes, I am!” I typed back to Pete. Boo Boo was one of my favorite bands. …

Dear Derek, — Dear Derek, When we met as backpackers in Europe, I thought you were a bit doofy. At the ripe age of 22, you were already wearing dad jeans and button-downs. But like me, you had a predilection for singing both loudly and off-key. We were both servers at the same…

Dear Jack Black, — Dear Jack Black, I was always a huge fan. I mean Tenacious D? Helloooo! Hilarious. “f**k me gently” might be the best line ever written. So when I heard you were going to be performing for charity where I was waiting tables, I was stoked! When you came in, you…

Dear “James,” — Dear “James,” I was quietly minding my own business, clacking away on my computer at work when you came in. “Is Rachel there?” I heard you say to the receptionist downstairs. Your voice was unmistakable. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I thought to myself. Quick what do I do? I secretly peeped over the glass…

I was peacefully lying down in savasana waiting for class to start when you abruptly woke me out of my slumber. — Dear White Male Yoga Teacher, I was peacefully lying down in savasana waiting for class to start when you abruptly woke me out of my slumber. “Do you know what power yoga is?” you asked. I cracked my eyes open to see you standing over me, no shirt, six-pack glistening with…