That Time I Manifested a Raise

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Dear Former Boss,

I had been asking for a raise for years. You refused, telling me that sales
were down, the economy wasn’t good, etc.

Fast forward, almost a year later, I decided to take a trip to Costa Rica. I had begun to feel stuck in my career and felt like a reset was just what I needed. I laughed, I danced and made new friends. Some of whom I kept in touch with long after leaving. All week people kept telling me how funny, smart, and fun I was to be around. Giant maniacal grasshoppers notwithstanding, it was an amazing
ego-boosting trip.

When I got back to NYC, I had a meltdown. I realized I was being verbally abused at work. I was constantly being talked down to in front of my coworkers and you never seem to value my input. You had even resorted to calling me names. I imagined it’s what Tiffany or Eric Trump feel like.

So I decided screw it.

I was going to quit. I had no plan whatsoever, but I decided my mental sanity and self-respect was more important. Soon the Universe started to conspire to help me. My cousin randomly called me and asked me if I wanted to move to GA and work for him, starting a new company in exchange for free room, board, food, and car. I found a subletter. Then things took a turn. I was about to tell you I was quitting when you beat me to the punch.

“I feel like you’re not happy here anymore,” you said. “So I want to give
you a raise.”

WHAT?! My mind was spinning. How was this even happening? Was
this a trick?

“Um… you’re right,” I said carefully. “But I need to think about it, because
I was about to quit.”

“I know,” he said. WTF, was this dude psychic?

We closed for the Christmas holiday, and when we came back, my mind was made up. 10% was simply not enough of a raise. I was valuable. I was good at my job. And I was tired of being treated like the Rob Kardashian of the company.

“How much do you want?” you asked. What in the fairy godmother was going on? This was more confusing than when I realized Pink used to be an RNB singer.

I countered with a 30% increase. Not only did you agree, but you also threw in commission and a built-in raise for the next two years. Damn, I should have asked for 40%.

I also told you that you had to be nice to me and stop calling me names. You were shocked and didn’t even realize it had gotten that bad. You apologized and agreed not to do it again.

I signed the contract, told the subletter just kidding, and let my cousin
know he’d have to start the company on his own.

I stayed at the company for a few more years before I finally quit to start Crimson and Clover Studio. You were so supportive you even offered to call your contact at Urban Outfitters to help me out. You threw me a little going away party and bought me a really fab purse from Barney’s.

Thanks for everything, boss!

xoxo,
Your Favorite Ex-employee

Sex Humor Wellness Writer @ Playboy, Allure, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Cosmo, WashPo. Follow IG: @rachelkhona