Jan 3, 2022
What Your Favorite Food Says About Your Sex Life
Food is a window into the soul. Or is it eyes? Well, the eyes are alright, but food is way more indicative of what’s brewing underneath. Someone wild and passionate in bed isn’t going to call Cinnamon Toast Crunch their favorite food. No shade of course. I love CTC as much as the next person, but my favorite? Hell to the no. One’s favorite food can tell a lot about a person. Including what they’re like in bed because there’s most definitely a link between food and sex. Maybe you prefer someone who wants to make sweet missionary love before cuddling next to you. Or perhaps your jam is the kind of person who likes to get in and get out rather than romancing you for hours on end.
You may be wondering, why on earth would this info be useful to me? Because my friends, you’ll be able to predict with stunning accuracy what you’ll be getting in the bedroom based on their gastronomic tastes. You’ll be able to meet your sexual match just by watching them shovel food down their face. Imagine if Hinge or Tinder had such an algorithm? It would be the end of bad dates once and for all! All the food on this list is mouthwateringly-delicious, but remember it’s about calling it your fave! There’s a pot for every lid as they say. Now you just have to find yours.
Pizza: The Lazy Lover
Might as well start with the most addictive food; pizza. Yeah, pizza is good but if you’re listing this as your favorite, you are straight-up lazy. What are your hobbies? Being a couch potato? Pizza is the answer to what’s your favorite food when you can’t think of anything better. Sex life with a pizza lover is going to be a lot of work because this bum isn’t going to make much effort, but there will probably be pizza involved after.
Nachos: The Dirty Lover
People who love nachos don’t mind getting a little dirty. After all, this is food covered with goo and sauce that you eat with your hands. Sour cream dripping, guacamole on your chin, salsa down your shirt. Screw utensils! Who needs them! Nacho eaters don’t give two hoots if they look like pigs or happen to make a mess. Period sex, whipped cream, sex on the beach, anal (maybe); it’s all good for a nacho eater.
Steak: The Power Lover
Well my, my aren’t you full of testosterone? Don’t worry I’ll ignore the fact that cows are full of estrogen. Steak eaters love their food manly and strong, which makes for a very exciting sexual encounter. They’ll throw you up against the wall, rip your pants off and go to town on your naughty bits like you’ve never seen. Get ready for some tingles! Doggy-style is their favorite style because it’s raw and primal. They may even give you a slap or two. But unlike the one you got from back talking as a teenager, this one will feel good.
Caviar: The Straight-Laced Lover
Seriously? Caviar? I’m just going to say it; caviar lovers might be on the snobby side. Sex has to be scheduled in between practicing the correct way to tie a sweater around your neck and fantasizing you’re a member of the Grantham family on Downton Abbey. It’s straight-up missionary here. And forget about getting those 10,000 thread count sheets dirty.
Sushi: The Exotic Lover
You are an exotic little flower blooming in the evening. Art films are your jam and you were a foodie (the dreaded “F” word) back when that meant enjoying food and not just taking pics of it for the gram. When you drink, it’s strictly craft cocktails, expensive wine, or a microbrew made by two hipster dudes in Portland. You’re more culturally astute than most, as if I needed to tell you that. Sex for you is just as much an intellectual pursuit as it is physical. You’ll calmly suggest a position, planning out your moves in advance like General Lee. Exploring new and exciting positions (legs behind the head anyone?) gets your juices flowing like a cooked tomato.
Chocolate: The Romantic Lover
The Notebook makes you hotter than Channing Tatum dancing around shirtless in Magic Mike. Visions of roses, wedding dresses, and soft-lit candles dance in your head like strippers are dreamt of by Wall Street bankers. When it comes to doing the need you’re not having sex; you’re making love sweet love. You like being eye to eye engaging your beloved. Missionary is always good (no surfborts or doggy style here), topped off with a snuggly spoon sesh.
Macaroni and Cheese: The Simplistic Lover
Mac N’ Cheese is the ultimate comfort food. And that’s A-OK with you. Sweats and Netflix are your friends. There’s nothing sexier than a sexy night home with your person binge-watching Squid Game. Sex for you is fun and easy. After the movies, you call it a night do it, and go to bed. No whips and chains here. Just some good, old-fashioned screwing.
Grilled Cheese: The Frequent Lover
Not only are people who loved grilled cheese mucho experienced, but they also like to do it all the time. Every time. Remember that Ludacris song, “What’s Your Fantasy”? He’s got every spot covered from doing it in the Georgia Dome to covering his lady with strawberries and whipped cream to doing it in the back seat. I’ll bet he loves grilled cheese. If you’re hornier than a rabbit, you need to be with a grilled cheese eater.
So which one are you? Tell me in the comments!
As originally printed on Bustle.
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