Jan 3What Your Favorite Food Says About Your Sex LifeFood is a window into the soul. Or is it eyes? Well, the eyes are alright, but food is way more indicative of what’s brewing underneath. Someone wild and passionate in bed isn’t going to call Cinnamon Toast Crunch their favorite food. No shade of course. I love CTC as…Funny Story5 min read
Dec 12, 2021The Time my Unemployed Brother-in-Law Called Me a Prostitute“He said you’re a prostitute,” my mom complained irritably. “He’s up to this again? Why?” “Because he doesn’t think you could possibly earn a living as a business owner.” “But he said that when I had a 9–5 job too,” I reminded. My brother-in-law, or as I affectionately called him…True Story2 min read
Oct 20, 2021I Let A Psychic Take Over My Dating AppsWhat if you could speed past the endless “How r u”s, bathroom mirror selfies, and interminable texting to get right to the good stuff: A relationship with a decent person who can form complete sentences and seems genuinely interested in more than your tatas. I know what you’re thinking, Is…Dating8 min read
Aug 3, 2021Dear Jesse PinkmanWhen you told me on our first date that you used to be homeless, I was surprised. My first question was, “where did you masturbate?” You told me you couldn’t remember because you were high on meth most of the time. …True Story1 min read
Jul 14, 2021That Time Our Cruise Ship Stopped to Save RefugeesThere I was minding my business sipping on a virgin piña colada, when suddenly the ship tipped to the left. The tip was so sharp and sudden, almost everyone around me had fallen down. Drinks were spilled, people had stubbed their toes, I think some pool water even splashed out…True Story3 min read
Jun 28, 2021That Time I Manifested VIP Passes“Are you a big Boo Boo fan?” I had rented my apartment on Airbnb a bazillion times, but this was the first time I had received an email after the fact. “Yes, I am!” I typed back to Pete. Boo Boo was one of my favorite bands. …True Story2 min read
Apr 15, 2021To My Ex Who I Saw on House Hunters with His New GFDear Derek, When we met as backpackers in Europe, I thought you were a bit doofy. At the ripe age of 22, you were already wearing dad jeans and button-downs. But like me, you had a predilection for singing both loudly and off-key. We were both servers at the same…True Story2 min read
Apr 8, 2021The Time I Met Jack Black and He Didn’t Tip MeDear Jack Black, I was always a huge fan. I mean Tenacious D? Helloooo! Hilarious. “f**k me gently” might be the best line ever written. So when I heard you were going to be performing for charity where I was waiting tables, I was stoked! When you came in, you…True Story2 min read
Mar 12, 2021That Time My Ex Visited Me at WorkDear “James,” I was quietly minding my own business, clacking away on my computer at work when you came in. “Is Rachel there?” I heard you say to the receptionist downstairs. Your voice was unmistakable. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I thought to myself. Quick what do I do? I secretly peeped over the glass…Awkward Story2 min read
Feb 19, 2021The Time I was Mansplained During Yoga ClassDear White Male Yoga Teacher, I was peacefully lying down in savasana waiting for class to start when you abruptly woke me out of my slumber. “Do you know what power yoga is?” you asked. I cracked my eyes open to see you standing over me, no shirt, six-pack glistening with…Yoga2 min read
